The Busy Buzzy Bumblebee

I've suddenly found myself in such a state of constant movement, I don't know what to do. Sleep is difficult. I'm supposed to be resting my mind, but because I'm up and about and thinking at all other points, it's become outrageously hard to switch off. What to do about this? Nothing. Because when push comes to shove, this is all distracting me from the weight of the reminder of the things I am missing. The place I can't stop uttering the name of. The people at the forefront of my mind. The rain. The swans. The strawberry milk and the chicken and bacon sandwiches and the 1.50 euro tea and the Cadbury hot chocolate and the chips and garlic mayo at the IFI and the assaultive pizza at Apache and the pie. The fucking pie. One of these days, I'm going to make one of my own, like I've been planning on for weeks now, but it won't be the same. It won't bring me back to sitting on my bed and eating chicken and mushroom pies on plastic plates bordered by Super Noodles. It won't make the memory a reality, and that is why, above all, this constant movement is good.

I said this the other day, and I'm pretty sure it's true: I keep thinking things will get better, but it just feels like it's all getting worse. I'm grasping at whatever I can hold onto just to make it through the day, just to be able to focus, but it's not much, and it certainly isn't enough. I want impossible things to happen. I want time to jump. I want to be guaranteed certain things, like winding up where I'm meant to be. I want to breathe again. And not just metaphorically, but literally as well. Because I can't here. I'd forgotten just how polluted the air is.

My head is so heavy with yearning. It's like one big yawn of upset.

***

Today I:

-went to two meetings
-scheduled two more meetings
-had an interview to discuss my time abroad
-had an atrocious day of bowling (scored some gutterballs and a 57, my new highest low score)
-botched a batch of teriyaki rice, making it neither sticky nor soft
-had no time to go to the shop and purchase food I desperately need
-finally watched Water, which was sort of predictable, but also immensely devastating, not to mention gorgeous to look at
-did two loads of laundry, which I still need to fold
-sent lots of e-mails
-blogged for Sadie Lou

Tomorrow is expected to be just as busy. Hooray?